Harry Potter and the Things I had to go to prison
by aka.thenewguy
Summary: One Shot. First Person POV. First time I've done something like this but it's not bad. Not great either but I'm not ashamed of it.


It wasn't long after Dumbledore died that the Prophecy came to light. It was the next day that Fudge was chased out of office and out of the country. Scrimagour got the position and I guess he isn't too bad. But this story isn't about that. Well not too much anyway. This wondrous tale is about what I had to do to get put in prison. I know that is a weird goal but to be honest I think it's safer in here than out there. Well it was until old snake lover over there turned up. Thankfully he has just as bad a reaction to Dementors as I do so by keeping them between him and me I'm still fairly safe.

It all began when Scrimagour himself begged me to help them. I told him I wouldn't work with the Ministry, as corrupt as it was, and that I really didn't think that the wizarding world was very good the way it was. I told him that I was only going to kill Voldemort, and I made sure to emphasise the name, for revenge. And eye for an eye and all that.

To say that the pathetic fool annoyed me would be fairly accurate. If you were an idiot. He really rubbed me the wrong way and I decided to make life difficult for him. So I started committing crimes in broad daylight just to piss him off. And now of them could legally be handled with a fine either. These were class A crimes that would land you in Azkaban. Course just to annoy him more I only did it to certain people. People that deserved it like Umbridge. She actually ran away screaming the last time I saw her, just before they brought me here actually.

At first it was things like theft. You know stealing someone's house isn't as hard as you might think with magic. Of course I don't think they would have warded against large scale vanishing charms.

Then of course I had to scale up, seeing as the punishment for that was barely even a slap on the wrist. Vandalism was next and boy was it fun writing "Romani ite domum" in massive red paint letters all over Diagon Alley in the middle of the day. I somehow don't think many people got the reference but I did see the Hermione's father laughing his head off.

That didn't work either. All I had to do was remove it. Of course I told them it was charmed not to come off so they got an unspeakable to make a spell that got it off. Spoilsport.

So I had to try for something more embarrassing then. And in all fairness they asked for it. So the next morning I pranked the Minister. It was a nice sounding one from the Marauders Playbook. I think there might have been a warning about how they didn't use it because they thought it too cruel but I was too busy laughing about how much fun this was going to be.

Which is why that particular morning found me ambushing the Minister in the middle of the Atrium. He looked so good as a Veela that his personal guards all jumped him and started trying for fornicate. As did every other male in the room. Other than me. Still immune to that allure thank Merlin.

This still didn't warrant prison apparently. Though I had to make a public apology. Which I did in fact do properly. I was terribly sorry to all those poor buggers who actually did manage to have their way with the Minister. I still throw up every time I see him.

Since that didn't work I had only three more options. Kill someone, maim someone or my favourite of the three, walk down Diagon Alley on the busiest shopping day of the year as a Death Eater and cast prank spells at people.

This too failed because the Auror's found it funny. So funny that two of them had to be taken to St Mungos for treatment. Idiots.

So I made my final bid for incarceration short of actually murdering someone. I released twelve blast-ended skrewts into the Ministers office. This is actually part of the reason I puke every time I see him. There was some nasty damage. I don't think there will be many mothers willing to let him kiss their baby for the next elections. Still it worked and here I am.

Though I'm not sure it was the best idea to be honest. I mean setting a trap for the Dork Lard in Azkaban is so predictable. Then again maybe not since he is walking right into it.

Oh there it goes. The special hidden pit I created before personally putting a dozen sharpened metal stakes in the bottom and coated them with basilisk venom. I turned to the Dementors and pointed at the hole, "Lunch is ready chaps."

A/N: Wow you guys are really spoiled today. Or night actually. Two updates! Amazing. Actually this may become more common. I'm doing NaNo WriMo again and this time I plan to finish Where There's A Will. So there should in theory be an update once a night. If I don't get distracted by games of some kind.

Also credit to Clell65619 for the Veela idea. It came from his story "Harry Potter and the Marriage Contracts", well worth a read. No seriously go read it now.

Oh and you can have a prize if you get the movie reference in here. For those that don't know it... You have no taste.

A/N 2: Pixel and Stephanie Forever was the first person to review and interestingly enough also the first to get the movie reference. Your prize, if you want it, is that when I write the next chapter of one of my stories you will get to see it 24 hours before everyone else.

And for everyone else... The Python RULES!


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